m e m o r y
by miriya v
Summary: Chichiri faces himself and the spirit of Hikou buried within his heart...or something like that. ^_^;; I suck at reviews. [rated as such for shonen-ai content]


Hihi! ^_^ miri here, just watched the FY OVAs, and was nearly crying with Hikou and Chichiri's conclusion...wasn't that just sad? *sniffle* Anyway, I had to write this...this is the product of mindlessness and lack of sleep, and no cigarettes left...*sigh* anyway. ^_^ Hope you enjoy. I'll try to write more FY fanfiction...if anyone likes this, anyway. ^_^;;  
  
Fun with disclaimers: Fushigi Yuugi is not mine, isn't that sad? And Memory is by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice, doesn't Grizabella just make you want to cry? *sniffles* That's about it, ne?  
  
Warnings: Well, some pretty blatant shonen-ai going on here, but nothing too bad. ^_^ I like writing yaoi, but this has to be one of the mildest things I've ever come up with...wow.   
  
Shinigami grant me grace, here you be...  
  
[memory  
a fushigi yuugi fanfic by miriya valentine]  
  
---  
  
|| Daylight, see the dew on the sunflower,  
And a rose that is fading,  
Roses wither away,  
Like the sunflower I yearn to turn my face to the dawn--  
I am waiting for the day ||  
  
  
I know what I've done; I felt the power and the longing-again and again, it's always this, yes, the surging of fire and water and breaking, shattering dreams, so many fragments to fall away to your false tides... Again. I've killed you. But I won't let go. Not now, not ever.  
  
The brightness of sunlight is wilting like a spent flower, withering and breaking away, yet again, to darkness. Oh, gods, I already miss the light; but I don't deserve the comfort of it all. The moon is my friend, now, shadowing my perfect world. Isn't it strange...  
  
Won't you forgive me? The pool, the memory, your eyes say you will but your pain is all too clear. Hikou, don't you know I love you most? There's nothing more tragic than the gentle death-sigh, I've killed you again and you know it, and there's nothing I can do.  
  
Lucid. Hands, cold as ice, clasping for eternity in seconds, gods no I won't let you go, no no no... Just hold on a little while, ne? I'll save you, from anything, why this? The water-slashes across my back are little more than kitten scratches, and I know you have more power than this. I can still feel you in my arms, but you're lying there fading before me like the snow before the bright, bright sun...  
  
I loved you, I love you still, your demon-wings are gone, I knew it wasn't you so don't you cry...this water, it's all tears for the sins we've committed. But we did it for love...  
  
Suzaku, give me strength for I fear mine is leaving, leaving with the man before me with the eyes of water, flood-flesh that's glistening in my hand, glistening with all my tears. Your eyes are closing, don't go, don't go!  
  
To water I return...  
  
I'll never let go...  
  
---  
  
  
|| Memory, turn your face to the moonlight,  
Let your memory lead you,  
Open up, enter in,  
And if you find there the meaning of what happiness is  
Then a new life will begin ||  
  
I sleep. Deep within the confines of my head, I can find peace, though I know it's just a dream.   
  
In my own mind the sun rises, bright and warm, and in this fragile new-light you live; in this little world I've created there is no sadness. Here is where I want to be...like air, light, floating here in the calm.  
  
But this time, even the dream will not sustain me. The light is faded and all is dark, save for the gentle, comforting night-glow of friend moon. Her gentle kiss blesses this unholy nightscape, and I fear that I am alone. Alone again, and it's nothing new, no, the memories are too much, and the light is shattered and gone.  
  
Alone? But I am not...  
  
Hikou. Beautiful and tragic, like some faerie from the ancient myths; smiling faintly, why are you smiling? Ah, my mind is casting spells around me and spinning beauty that I myself have broken. I love the spell, as I love you. But you're here with me, gods above, I am not alone.  
  
I promised I would never let go...  
  
Calling...you're calling. For me...I've got you, here in my heart.  
  
I can't help myself, hold on, here I am; in the forever of few moments I cross the distance between us, ignoring the midnight swirl of the robe or the chill air against my half-bared back...you're all that matters, now, for all that I once had is gone. As my trembling hands reach for you, I'm half afraid that I'll pass through, like the shade of Hotohori and his wide-eyed babe, struggling to hold on to a half-felt phantom...but there is solidity there, a subtle comfort there that forces the stinging of tears in my one good eye.   
  
I love you. Even then, it was love that gave me so much hope, so much pain... looking up, I can see your face is peaceful, loving even, where did it all go wrong? There's no need for you to ask forgiveness, it wasn't your fault, we're only human though the words would say it otherwise. Just let me stay awhile, please, I just want to feel you here with me and so very alive.  
  
"Houjun." I lift my face to yours, and your word is such a beautiful thing, /your/ word gives it meaning like I never knew. The moon-kissed strands of hair hang before your eyes just so, cornflower silk shading the pale white glow and angle of forehead.   
  
"I love you." The words are coming, unbidden, and I think that I might die if I hold them in any more. There's nothing to stop me here, there's not enough power in all the world to force the silence...  
  
You smile, nodding, chin brushing the errant fringe of my own hair. I knew you'd understand, even if only in my own mind. I've been haunted for so long, I can't hold the pain anymore. There's not so much left anymore, and I dream of solace, now, resting here with you forever.  
  
|| Memory, all alone in the moonlight,  
I can smile at the old days  
I was beautiful then,  
I remember the time I knew what happiness was  
Let the memory live again ||  
  
Before the floods, it was us and we were happy, before the tears and tragedy and betrayal. Yes, we were young, but our love shone brighter than anything else I'd known. I want to go back, return to the light and make things right. Hidden in my own heart, I can't help but dream of such things...  
  
We were always smiling in that time. But why does my mind return to such things, when you're here with me, your heart beating with the rhythmic cadence of life, pulse so strong beneath my trembling fingers.  
  
"Because I want you to remember." Close to my ear, your words and breath pass over me like a comforting breeze, warm and so full of love. Your arms tighten around me and I want to be like this forever. It's all just so real...  
  
|| Daylight,  
I must wait for the sunrise,  
I must think of a new life,  
And I mustn't give in--  
When the dawn comes,  
Tonight will be a memory too  
And a new day will begin ||  
  
There's so much I want to say, but I fear there's no time. The moonlight is fading, the dream is almost done...  
  
Suddenly, a whisper of movement, your lips press against mine; soft, warm, and unlike anything I've ever known. Awakened by something deep inside, I press back, don't leave me, I'll never let go...  
  
Your lips move away, but your breath still remains, hovering, warming my own trembling mouth. Again, again you speak to me, and gods, I don't want it to end, not ever!  
  
"Let go, Houjun. It's all right...you can let go." Deep in my heart, I understand. You won't leave me, but you have to be free, too. I can't keep you here forever, as much as I want it...  
  
I...I can't do it! "I'll come with you!" Suzaku surely has no need for me, and the others, they'll understand, won't they? Everyone has a time, and we'll be together...  
  
But now, you're pushing me away. Hikou, what's wrong? Your eyes, crimson and bright, are so, so, sad...you shake your head, sending dark strands drifting about your pale face. So very beautiful...  
  
"Houjun." Your words are a steady murmur, the inflection begging to be understood-"now is not your time, Houjun. They still need you here...but we'll be waiting for you." A pale, slender hand reaches up, and I can feel the warmth of your palm against my tear-streaked cheek.  
  
The pain in my heart is so intense, but from it I can feel another sensation; peace, a wondrous, beautiful feeling lifting up to replace the agony. I understand. For now, we'll be apart, and I promise I won't ever forget. You were always so, so wise, weren't you? I would have betrayed everything for my own selfish desires...  
  
A lifetime isn't that long, Hikou; I'll see you again.   
  
All I can do is nod my head, and again, those wings are spreading; but it's different, now, instead of the ice-leather of a demon, there is the gentle rustle of feathers, pure angel wings to carry you to heaven.  
  
|| Touch me, it's so easy to leave me,  
All alone with the memory of my days in the sun  
If you touch me, you'll understand what happiness is... ||  
  
  
I reach for you, one last movement of hope and promise before you leave me. One more time, that's all I need and then you can go... You nod, and I hold you tightly; angel wings surround me, angel feathers comfort my weary soul. The moon is gone now, and there's the inexplicable surge of light just before the dawn. I love you...  
  
Fading, falling, I know you're gone now...I hope heaven is wonderful to you. The sun is rising and everything is so very bright; a new day, another chance. Thank you so much, Hikou...  
  
|| Look--a new day has begun. ||  
  
-owari-  
  
So, um, I hope I did that all right. ^_^;; Unfortunately for me, I've only seen a few of the mangas, and only the OVAs. ^_^ Don't hate me if I screwed things up....I'd like to give FY another go, but it might take a while... ^_______^v Thanks for reading! And C&C is definitely appreciated...  
  
~miriya and the semi-lonely musies, who are off to re-watch Kenshin OVAs~   



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